Any type of parental abandonment may have detrimental affects on a child, regardless of his or her age. According to an article written by Tess Forrest, Ph.D., for Contemporary Psychoanalysis, the role of fathers is important to both male and female children, but most especially females, according to Freud's psychosexual theory. However, according to an article published in the Journal of Family Psychology, the importance of the role of the father's parenting in regard to male children and their expression of emotion and feelings cannot be ignored.
Feelings of Betrayal
Children old enough to understand that a father has left often blame themselves for that abandonment. They often feel they did something wrong to make their father leave or not love them. They may feel betrayed by that person, and seriously mistrust relationships in the future, believing that any relationship will inevitably fail and the other person will turn their back on them.Feelings of UnworthinessA child who has been abandoned may feel unworthy of being liked, or even loved, by another individual. Such feelings of unworthiness may lead to chronic depression and feelings of suicide to escape the loneliness or sense of separation she may feel toward others who enjoy healthy relationships with their fathers.Loss of Role ModelFathers are infallible heroes in the eyes of many toddlers and young children, and often offer children someone to look up to, to emulate and admire. Fathers often play the role of disciplinarian in a family unit, setting boundaries that most children stick to. Lack of a father figure in a young boy or girl's life may also affect social development, says Thom Crabbe of the Children's Workforce Development Council in Great Britain.Feelings of ShameShame about the incident of abandonment transfers to the child's self-appraisal of worth. Claudia Black, M.S.W., Ph.D., author and family service provider for the Las Vegas Recovery Center, report that abandonment of children at a time when they are "developing their sense of worth, is the foundation for the belief in their own inadequacy and the central cause of their shame." These feelings of shame and inadequacy "become a driving force in their adult lives," according to Black.Problems With IntimacyWhen a child trusts a caretaker to provide security and support and then suffers harm, perhaps minor injuries, this impacts the child's future ability to trust and later may translate to difficulties with intimacy. Children experiencing abandonment and neglect may develop problems with peer relationships, according to a study done at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln by researchers Constance L. Chapple, Ph.D., Kimberly A. Tyler, Ph.D. and Bianca E. Bersani, M.A. and reported in 2005 in University of Nebraska-Lincoln Sociology Department, Faculty Publications in 2005.Dealing with LossAbandonment by a father figure in a person's life may have devastating effects, as related by a case study of Robert Hawkins, the young man who engaged in a shooting spree in Omaha, Nebraska, that left nine people dead, including himself. According to J. Ray Rice, M.S.W., A.C.S.W., abandonment issues may express themselves as loss of self-respect or the ability of a child to feel loved or worthy of love.
How to HelpIf a child is abandoned, the earlier he receives intervention, the better. Encourage him to discuss his feelings and reassure him if he fears being abandoned again. Be sure that he fosters nurturing relationships with other loved ones and family members. If you are concerned about his behavior or emotional state, take him to see a doctor.
I created Saudi Children Left Behind in hopes of uniting women in need who have children with Saudi men who have chosen not to be involved with their children This is a growing problem that needs addressing. If you, or someone you know is in this current dilemma , know you are not alone.
Would you like to tell your story? Contact me at; saudi_children_left_behind@hotmail.com
People fear a lot of different things. Some things I understand, and some I don't. I can see where someone might be afraid of spiders, or of being in a large crowd of people, or even one of my personal phobias, flying. But until recently, I had never feared being alone. Then my life changed forever.
I got involved with a Saudi man a few years ago. The relationship developed, and before long, I was pregnant. Not that it was something I had planned for, but I knew immediately that I wanted to keep the child. When he found out, he suddenly distanced himself. I found that he no longer wished to be seen with me, and that he only stopped by late at night to speak to me on the odd occasion. Before long, he had completely extracted himself from my life, leaving me with no one to speak to, no one to quell my sudden fears about the future, no one to hear my desperate frustration. Alone.
My family wasn't exactly supportive of the relationship when it was going well, and the turn for the worse only seemed to give them justification to use words like "comeuppance" and "just desserts"....hurtful by any stretch, but especially from the people that are supposed to be your lifeline in times of need. So instead of speaking to anyone, I sat. Alone in my office. Away from my children. Away from friends who wouldn't understand. Away from strangers who would point and judge. Isolated. And that is when I truly learned to fear being alone.
Days went by as I listened to voices in my head that had come to replace the voices of others. Voices that yelled at me, insulted me, berated me for being so gullible. So naive. So easy to take advantage of. Voices that would never forgive me for bringing a completely innocent child into a world where his father wanted nothing more than to be thousands of miles away from him. Night after night these strangers in my head would tear me down, sapping my energy, my will, and making it so hard to wake up in the morning that sometimes I wished the dawn would simply never come.
I don't know exactly what it was that gave me direction again. Perhaps my anger for the man who had abandoned me and my child. My desire to push forward and put this part of my life into a dark corner, never to be revisited. My need to take care of my kids. Or maybe something else. But whatever it was, it was enough to push me to get answers. Information. Because there was no way in hell my child should suffer just because a sperm donor with piss poor judgement decided to miss out on the life of a wonderful child. No way.
The next few weeks went by fairly quickly. There were calls made to the local college, the embassy, doctors, and any friends who were still around to listen. My fear of being alone had been replaced by a fear of what could happen to my child if he didn't have financial support, or family medical records available. And so I made calls. And I searched. And emailed. And called some more. The internet became my one stop source for any kind of help I could get my hands on. And then....a funny thing happened. I found a blog written by a woman with strikingly similar circumstances to my own. And then I found another. And another. And suddenly, all the fear I felt was replaced with something quite different. Anger. Anger at what was apparently closer to an epidemic than an isolated problem. So I let the anger fuel me, and I redoubled my efforts.
My son is 2 years old now. He has a smile that could light up a room, and is smarter than I could have ever imagined. I don't have as much anger left for that Saudi man any more, simply because I feel pity for him whenever I watch my little boy run and play. He is a joy to behold, and anyone who would deprive themselves of that simply does not know what they are missing. Moreover, I don't fear being alone anymore, because during all my research, I was able to communicate with several other women who were in the same situation I was. As silly as it sounds, even though we were miles, sometimes even oceans apart, we shared a common bond. And we had all persevered through it and come out stronger. I am sharing this with you because I know what the fear of being alone can do to someone in that situation. It can cripple you. It can paralyze you. And it can make your life a living hell from the moment you wake up until the moment when your last ounce of strength has been used up, and you expire at night. I am here to say that if you are reading this, you have no reason to feel that way. Ever. You are not alone. There are many of us, and we are all willing to help, to have our voices heard, and to say to whoever will listen that we are many, we are united, and we will never live in fear again.
I found myself wrestling the idea in my mind whether or not to create some sort of blog to explain my story, I struggled with the idea that I would probably be criticized in doing so. In the end, I chose to face that fear in hopes that in doing so it will let other women know that they aren't alone in their daily battle with these so called 'Muslim" men. My story begins 6 years ago while I was working for a local cell phone store. While there, I happened to meet a group of collage students from Saudi Arabia, we immediately became friends and, I immersed my self in their culture and even converting to Islam. My family was concerned with this but, I assured them I knew what I was doing. During this time I met a man named Sultan and he and I became almost inseparable. I found I had so much in common with this beautiful man from the other side of the world. We would spend hours talking about our lives and the possibility of our lives together in the future. His family knew of me, and his intention to marry me or so I thought. Three years into our relationship I get pregnant, and from that moment on our lives would never be the same. When I told the father about the pregnancy he changed so much saying that I became pregnant on purpose and that I have to have an abortion if I wanted to keep him. I refused to have an abortion during any circumstance and even the thought of killing my child to keep a man that had completely just done a Jekyll and Hyde routine on me was absurd to say the least. During my pregnancy, we would speak often where I tried to get him interested in the baby, having him throw it back in my face saying he never wanted "it". Threatening that he has family that if they knew would come here to America and kill me and the baby if I ever told anyone. This is the same man that only mounts ago was telling me how much he loved me and showered me with gifts that I didn't even know I wanted. This poor Saudi man now no longer has a single penny to give to his child, strange right? In my own personal life my biological father abandoned my mother and I, and to this day I carry that pain around like an anvil on my chest, so I am somewhat bias to the situation and I didn't want my son to carry that same pain about his real father. However I know now that my son will not have to carry such a heavy weight for he has been blessed with a wonderful Step Father, who loves him as his own flesh and blood. How great is that!! My husband now faces the problem with me do we ever tell him about his real father or don't we? These are the same questions that any woman with children who happen to have a deadbeat dad ask, the difference lies with the Saudi Students and what they can do to us women if they so chose to. These Students sign a contract when they leave there kingdom to study abroad that states several crazy rules they must abide by. Men impregnating a woman they aren't married to is a large violation and they not only can but will lose their scholarship and be deported if the information gets back to the embassy in Riyadh . That is the first hurdle us women face, your pregnant you can tell no one or there will be repercussions. An example of this is after I had my child the fathers best friend's girlfriend got pregnant too, I happen to be in the room when they discussed getting a root from Saudi that would make the girl in question abort her babies at 4 months along. Luckily I was there and I told them that if anything happened at all to this woman I would go to the police. The woman mentioned was never physically harmed although physiologically she is going through the same torture as many of us. Now that the pregnancy hurdle has been passed and you have this wonderful child ...now what? Well if the father's name is on the birth certificate you must be aware that if you travel with your child to Saudi Arabia you might not ever get your child back. Men have say there not like here. Remember it is a completely different culture that most western women scratch their heads at. My intention is not to daddy bash although my anger and pain is completely warranted. I have recently started an organization called Saudi Children Left Behind (SCLB) where I hope to lend support and eventually some financial support to those women in similar situations. In doing this I also hope to unite as many women as possible. I will make my son proud in knowing that his Mother never gave up the fight for his right to have a voice to his biological father. As it stands when these guys go home they are gone to us and our children forever, who keeps tabs on these men? The answer Ladies and gentleman is not a single person. The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia punishes these guys for the act of sex and then these men turn around and hurt us leaving us holing a baby and our hearts wondering what happened. Then I have found when you speak out to the injustice you are criticized and ridiculed, called names like whore. First off Arab men get this through your heads we aren't whores!!! Guess what buddy your in my country where women are allowed to have sex without being stoned to death. Secondly if you tell a woman you love her and want to marry her the strangest thing happens ....she believes you. Third and this might come as a shock I know but it takes two to get pregnant and no we didn't get pregnant on purpose just so we could keep your cousin marring butt!!!! If your going to study here guy learn the culture!!!!! That being said ladies you must protect yourself too. I know like me you are angry and frustrated and probably confused and no one is offering support. Well ladies this is the best country in the world(in my opinion) and there is nothing that can stop us here. That being said I do need your help!!!! I need to gather as much support as possible so KSA will take notice and work towards a solution. I understand any fears you might have in coming forward, when I created the SCLB Group the father of my child broke into my house hacked my computer and to this day get daily prank calls from him and his friends, childish huh!! We must be tenacious in our dealings with these men. Our children deserve not to be forgotten, and abandoned like they were just there wild fling in America. We must fight to hold these men accountable for their actions and show our children that we will never let them down. Will anyone stand with me?
